The Quotations Archive currently contains 1744 quotations.

Miscellaneou

Byron Elbows' two rules of human nature:
* No one is as weird as they think they are.
* Everyone is weirder than others think they are.

Epperson's law:
When a man says it's a silly, childish game, it's probably something his wife can beat him at.

If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. {2} If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. {3} If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing. {4} Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. {5} It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. {6} Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. {7} It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. {8} Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. {9} For we know in part and we prophesy in part, {10} but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. {11} When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. {12} Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known. {13} And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

, 1 Corinthians 13 NIV

Love and stoplights can be cruel.

, Sesame Street, U.S. children's television show

Some birds aren't meant to be caged, their feathers are just too bright. And when they fly away, the part of you that knows it was a sin to lock them up, does rejoice. I guess I just miss my friend.

, Shawshank Redemption

You have to kiss a lot of toads before you find a handsome prince.

-- American Proverb

I don't know exactly what democracy is. But we need more of it.

-- Anonymous Chinese Student, during protests in Tianamen Square, Beijing, 1989

I have been a stranger in a strange land.

-- Bible, Exodus 2:22

Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited love.

-- Charlie Brown, character in "Peanuts" comic strip, created by Charles Schultz

Insurance is like marriage. You pay, pay, pay, and you never get anything back.

-- Al Bundy, character on "Married with Children," U.S. television show

Nothing says lovin' like marrying your cousin!

-- Al Bundy, character on "Married with Children," U.S. television show

Once a boy becomes a man, he's a man all his life, but a woman is only sexy until she becomes your wife.

-- Al Bundy, character on "Married with Children," U.S. television show

I hate work. That's why I got married.

-- Peg Bundy, character on "Married with Children," U.S. television show

I just want what every married woman wants, someone besides her husband to sleep with.

-- Peg Bundy, character on "Married with Children," U.S. television show

The only thing that holds a marriage together is the husband bein' big enough to keep his mouth shut, to step back and see where his wife is wrong.

-- Archie Bunker, character on "All in the Family," U.S. television show

Usenet is like Tetris for people who still remember how to read.

-- Button from the Computer Museum, Boston, MA

Govern a family as you would cook a small fish - very gently.

-- Chinese Proverb

Learning is a treasure that will follow its owner everywhere.

-- Chinese Proverb

Women: If they're not turning down your proposals for marriage, they're accusing you of suspicious behavior in the women's lingerie changing room.

-- Cliff Clavin, character on "Cheers", U.S. Television show

I know a dead parrot when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now.... This is an ex-parrot.

-- John Cleese, Monty Python, British comedy television show

C is for cookie, it's good enough for me; oh cookie cookie cookie starts with C.

-- Cookie Monster, character on "Sesame Street," U.S. children's television program

Want him to be more of a man? Try being more of a woman!

-- Coty Perfume Ad

We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.

-- Decca Recording Company, rejecting the Beatles, 1962

Tear open packet, unfold and use.

-- Directions on moist towelette package

This compact disc is made from analog masters recorded without noise reduction. Half the tracks, in fact, were recorded in a dismal, cheap basement eight-track studio with puddles of water on the floor. Digital technology will now faithfully reproduce these noisy, low-fi, un-professional masters at great expense. feel stupid yet?

-- Disclaimer on a CD

I never make stupid mistakes. Only very, very clever ones.

-- The Doctor, Timewyrm: Genesys, author, John Peel

In Palm Springs, they think homelessness is caused by bad divorce lawyers.

-- Doonesbury, U.S. comic strip

There is no realizable power that man cannot, in time, fashion the tools to attain, nor any power so secure that the naked ape will not abuse it. So it is written in the genetic cards - only physics and war hold him in check. And the wife who wants him home by five, of course.

-- Encyclopaedia Apocryphia

Question everything. Learn something. Answer nothing.

-- Engineer's Motto

I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top.

-- English Professor, Ohio University

A small family is soon provided for.

-- English Proverb

In a cat's eyes, all things belong to cats.

-- English Proverb

We never know the worth of water 'til the well is dry.

-- English Proverb

Children are a poor man's riches.

-- English proverb

I think, therefore I'm single.

-- Female philosopher

Love makes the time pass. Time makes love pass.

-- French Proverb

Love is the dawn of marriage, and marriage is the sunset of love.

-- French saying

Love is a perky elf dancing a merry little jig and then suddenly he turns on you with a miniature machine gun.

-- Matt Groening, Love is Hell

Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come.

-- Matt Groening, Love is Hell

Tauzin backs term limits -- But he thinks it's a bad idea.

-- Headline, story in the New Orleans Times-Picayune, Feb 20, 1995

Good hours, excellent pay, fun place to work, paid training, mean boss. Oh well, four out of five isn't bad.

-- Help Wanted Ad, PA newspaper, 1994

The case has, in some respects, been not entirely devoid of interest.

-- Sherlock Holmes, character from author Sir Arthur Conan Doyle

Call on God, but row away from the rocks.

-- Indian proverb

May the road rise to meet you. May the wind always be at your back. May the sun shine warm upon your face, the rains fall soft upon your fields and, until we meet again, may God hold you in the palm of his hand.

-- Irish Blessing

I don't know as much as God, but I know more than He did at my age.

-- Henry Kissinger

The crime bill passed by the Senate would reinstate the Federal death penalty for certain violent crimes: assassinating the President; hijacking an airliner; and murdering a government poultry inspector.

-- Knight Ridder News Service dispatch

To the ass, or the sow, their own offspring appears the fairest in creation.

-- Latin Proverb

For best results: wash in cold water separately, hang dry and iron with warm iron. For not so good results: drag behind car through puddles, blow-dry on roofrack.

-- Laundry instructions on a shirt made by HEET (Korea)

No problem is so big and complicated that it can't be run away from.

-- Linus, character in "Peanuts" comic strip, created by Charles Schultz

The telephone company is urging people to *please* not use the telephone unless it is absolutely necessary in order to keep the lines open for emergency personnel. We'll be right back after this break to give away a pair of Phil Collins tickets to caller number 95.

-- Los Angeles disc jockey, right after the February 1990 earthquake

To love another person is to see the face of God.

-- Lyric from Les Miserables

My father was a minister. I had to make up for the lack of sin.

-- Milwuakee mayor, on why he became a politician

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever.

-- Miss Alabama, in the 1994 Miss Universe contest

Never eat more than you can lift.

-- Miss Piggy, character on "The Muppet Show," U.S. television show

It's not the bullet with your name on it you have to worry about. It's the twenty-thousand-odd other bullets labeled "Occupant".

-- Murphy's laws of combat

The west wasn't won on salad.

-- ND Beef Council, billboard advertisement, 1990

A man can't get rich if he takes proper care of his family.

-- Navaho saying

Oregon Democratic Senate candidate Tom Bruggere, in describing his support for comprehensive health care during a candidates' forum, said he supported "erection-to-resurrection" coverage. He later amended that to "cradle to grave."

-- News report

... postmodernity, once the plaything of smarty-pants French guys, in truth belongs to the engagingly stupid.

-- Newsweek

When the mouse laughs at the cat, there is a hole nearby.

-- Nigerian Proverb

Nun-beating? Good Lord, man, I can't condone THAT!

-- Opus, character in "Bloom County," comic strip by Berkely Breathed

If we let people see that kind of thing, there would never again be any war.

-- Pentagon official, on why US military censored graphic footage from the Gulf War

I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person.

-- Pogo, character in "Pogo," comic strip by Walt Kelly

Look alive. Here comes a buzzard.

-- Pogo, character in "Pogo," comic strip by Walt Kelly

A hippo does not have a sting in its tail, but a wise man would still rather be sat on by a bee.

-- Polish proverb

A White House well filled, a little peanut field well tilled, and a wife who will go to the Bronx are great riches.

-- Poor Jimmy's Almanac

When yer in a funk, people in love are a royal pain in the patookus.

-- Portnoy, character in "Outland," comic strip by Berkely Breathed

As a man thinketh in his heart, so is he.

-- Proverbs 23:7

An egg is dear on Easter day.

-- Russian proverb

Waiting until the last minute may be too late.

-- Safety poster

Never marry for money. Ye'll borrow it cheaper.

-- Scottish Proverb

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-- Seen in a .signature file

I plan to accumulate as many shoes as Imelda Marcos while cultivating an aura of virtue exceeding that of Mother Theresa.

-- Seen in a .signature file

A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

-- Seen on a bumper sticker

Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

-- Seen on a bumper sticker

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

-- Seen on a bumper sticker

I want to die in my sleep like my friend.... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

-- Seen on a bumper sticker

If God had meant us to vote, He would have given us candidates.

-- Seen on a bumper sticker

If God wanted women to understand men, football would never have been created.

-- Seen on a bumper sticker

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

-- Seen on a bumper sticker

There are three types of people in this world: Those who can count, and those who can't.

-- Seen on a bumper sticker

There's too much blood in my caffeine system.

-- Seen on a bumper sticker

Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.

-- Seen on a bumper sticker

Does anal retentive have a hyphen?

-- Seen on a t-shirt

Men. You can't live with them. You don't have to.

-- Seen on a t-shirt

I don't know why I did it, I don't know why I enjoyed it, and I don't know why I'll do it again.

-- Bart Simpson, young character from The Simpsons, U.S. animated television show

Why doesn't she like me? Is it my hair, my overbite, the fact that I've worn the same shirt and shorts for the last four years?

-- Bart Simpson, young character from The Simpsons, U.S. animated television show

Sung to the tune of the theme to "The Flinstones":
Simpson!
Homer Simpson!
I'm the greatest guy in history!
From the
Town of Springfield!
I'm about to hit a chestnut tree!
WHAAUH! (*crash*)

-- Homer Simpson, character from The Simpsons, U.S. animated television show

Weaseling out of things is good. It's what separates us from the other animals....except weasels.

-- Homer Simpson, character from The Simpsons, U.S. animated television show

Great Spirit, help me never to judge another until I have walked in his moccasins.

-- Sioux Indian Prayer

Why would anyone jump out of a perfectly good airplane? Because the door was open.

-- Skydiving T-shirt, Parachutist Magazine

The philosophy exam was a piece of cake -- which was a bit of a surprise, actually, because I was expecting some questions on a sheet of paper.

-- Smith & Jones

Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow.

-- Some Christmas Carol, (I have a feeling I used this one on a day when we had unexpected snow here in Boulder, CO and I wasn't happy about it)

Hey, you can't fight in here! This is the war room!

-- Dr. Strangelove

Can you imagine what I would do if I could do all I can?

-- The Artist Formerly Known As Prince

Icky icky icky icky fKANG zoop-boing n zowzyin...

-- The Knights who so recently said "Nee!", Monty Python, British comedy television show

In a hierarchy, every employee tends to rise to his level of incompetence. Therefore:

In time, every post tends to be occupied by an employee who is incompetent to carry out its duties.

Work is accomplished by those employees who have not yet reached their level of incompetence.

-- The Peter Principle

Work is a four-letter word.

-- The Smiths (Morrissey)

Now is the time for all good men to come to the aid of their country.

-- Typewriting exercise

Those parts of the system that you can hit with a hammer (not advised) are called hardware; those program instructions that you can only curse at are called software.

-- Unknown author, Levitating Trains and Kamikaze Genes: Technological Literacy for the 1990's, describing the difference between computer hardware and software

Sir Francis Drake circumsized the world with a 100-foot clipper.

-- Unknown history student

The sun never sets on the British empire because Britain is in the east and the sun sets in the west.

-- Unknown history student

He who fights fire with fire burns his house down twice as fast.

-- Vietnamese proverb

Here's a toast to your new bride who has everything a girl could want in her life, except for good taste in men!

-- Wedding Toast

With this ring I thee wed, with my body I thee worship, and with all my worldly good I thee endow.

-- Wedding Vow, Book of Common Prayer

My husband used to make all the decisions in our family. But now that he's a Promise Keeper, we always talk first and then he makes the decision.

-- Wife of a Promise Keeper, a U.S. men's religious group focusing on mens' commitments to their families

For I am a bear of very little brain and long words bother me.

-- Winnie the Pooh, character from author A. A. Milne

I am a bear of very little brain, and long words bother me.

-- Winnie the Pooh, character created by author A. A. Milne

The innkeeper loves the drunkard, but not for a son-in-law.

-- Yiddish Proverb

Do or do not. There is no try.

-- Yoda, character in the movie The Empire Strikes Back

You can complain because roses have thorns, or you can rejoice because thorns have roses.

-- Ziggy, character in comic strip by Tom Wilson

Endless Loop: n., see Loop, Endless.
Loop, Endless: n., see Endless Loop.

-- definitions, Random Shack Data Processing Dictionary

Beginning in February 1976 your assistance benefits will be discontinued ... Reason: it has been reported to our office that you expired on January 1, 1976.

-- excerpt from a letter, Illinois Department of Public Aid

2,400,000 Americans play the accordian - hopefully not at the same time.

-- inside of a Pepsi cap