The Quotations Archive currently contains 1744 quotations.

Animals

Mary had a little lamb and the doctor fainted.

-- Anonymous

Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window.

-- Steve Bluestone

I know a dead parrot when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now.... This is an ex-parrot.

-- John Cleese, Monty Python, British comedy television show

I love cats because I love my home and after a while they become its visible soul.

-- Jean Cocteau

... I am indebted to the cat for a particular kind of honorable deceit, for a greater control over myself, for a characteristic aversion to brutal sounds, and for the need to keep silent for long periods of time.

-- Colette

What if it was cats who invented technology... would they have tv shows starring rubber sqeak toys?

-- Douglas Coupland

In a cat's eyes, all things belong to cats.

-- English Proverb

I think we are drawn to dogs because they are the uninhibited creatures we might be if we weren't certain we knew better.

-- George Bird Evans

When a cat is dropped, it always lands on its feet, and when toast is dropped, it always lands with the buttered side down. I propose to strap buttered toast to the back of a cat; the 2 will hover, inches above the ground. With a giant buttered-cat array, a high-speed monorail could easily link New York with Chicago.

-- John Frazee

When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us. It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear.

-- Jack Handey, Deep Thoughts

Women and Cats will do as they please. Men and dogs had better get used to it.

-- Robert Heinlein, Time Enough for Love, Lazarus Long

Love to eat them mousies
Mousie's what I love to eat.
Bite they little heads off
Nibble on they tiny feet.

-- B. Kliban

What kills a skunk is the publicity it gives itself.

-- Abraham Lincoln

It's true that I did get the girl, but then my grandfather always said, "Even a blind chicken finds a few grains of corn now and then."

-- Lyle Lovett, musician, upon marying actress Julia Roberts, 1994

Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside a dog, it's too dark to read.

-- Groucho Marx

The trouble with a kitten is
THAT
Eventually it becomes a
CAT.

-- Ogden Nash

When the mouse laughs at the cat, there is a hole nearby.

-- Nigerian Proverb

A hippo does not have a sting in its tail, but a wise man would still rather be sat on by a bee.

-- Polish proverb

A kitten is chiefly remarkable for rushing about like mad at nothing whatever, and generally stopping before it gets there.

-- Agnes Repplier

There are two means of refuge from the misery of life - music and cats.

-- Albert Schweitzer

Weaseling out of things is good. It's what separates us from the other animals....except weasels.

-- Homer Simpson, character from The Simpsons, U.S. animated television show

I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves.

-- August Strindberg

The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat.

-- Lily Tomlin

It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.

-- Mark Twain

Man is the only animal that blushes--or needs to.

-- Mark Twain

The more I know about people, the better I like my dog.

-- Mark Twain

We think caged birds sing, when indeed they cry.

-- John Webster

The English country gentleman galloping after a fox--the unspeakable in full pursuit of the uneatable.

-- Oscar Wilde

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.

-- Steven Wright

Imagine if birds were tickled by feathers. You'd see a flock of birds come by, laughing hysterically!

-- Steven Wright