The Quotations Archive currently contains 1744 quotations.

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Many a man owes his success to his first wife and his second wife to his success.

-- Jim Backus

Honeymoon: A short period of doting between dating and debting.

-- Ray Bandy

In the past decade or so, the women's magazines have taken to running home-handyperson articles suggesting that women can learn to fix things just as well as men. These articles are apparently based on the ludicrous assumption that _men_ know how to fix things, when in fact all they know how to do is _look_ at things in a certain squinty-eyed manner, which they learned in Wood Shop; eventually, when enough things in the home are broken, they take a job requiring them to transfer to another home.

-- Dave Barry

Most married couples, even though they love each other very much in theory, tend to view each other in practice as large teeming flaw colonies, the result being that they get on each other's nerves and regularly erupt into vicious emotional shouting matches over such issues as toaster settings.

-- Dave Barry

If it is your time, love will track you down like a cruise missile.

-- Lynda Barry

Marriage is low down, but you spend the rest of your life paying for it.

-- Baskins

A sweetheart is a bottle of wine, a wife is a wine bottle.

-- Baudelaire

I feel like Zsa Zsa Gabor's sixth husband. I know what I'm supposed to do, but I don't know how to make it interesting.

-- Milton Berle, when called to the microphone at the 2nd Annual Comedians Hall of Fame Inductions

Patience with others is Love,
Patience with self is Hope,
Patience with God is Faith.

-- Adel Bestavros

The world has suffered more from the ravages of ill-advised marriages than from virginity.

-- Ambrose Bierce

ARDOR, n. The quality that distinguishes love without knowledge.

-- Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary, 1911

LOVE, n. A temporary insanity curable by marriage or by removal of the patient from the influences under which he incurred the disorder... It is sometimes fatal, but more frequently to the physician than to the patient.

-- Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary, 1911

MARRIAGE, n. The state or condition of a community consisting of a master, a mistress and two slaves, making in all, two.

-- Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary, 1911

Love looks through a telescope; envy, through a microscope.

-- Josh Billings

I date this girl for two years--and then the nagging starts: "I wanna know your name."

-- Mike Binder

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.

-- David Bissonette

Love matches are made by people who are content, for a month of honey, to condemn themselves to a life of vinegar.

-- Countess of Blessington

Marriage is not a ritual or an end. It is a long, intricate, intimate dance together and nothing matters more than your own sense of balance and your choice of partner.

-- Amy Bloom

Ah Mozart! He was happily married - but his wife wasn't.

-- Victor Borge

In the blithe days of honeymoon,
With Kate's allurements smitten,
I lov'd her late, I lov'd her soon,
And call'd her dearest kitten.
But now my kitten's grown a cat,
And cross like other wives.
O! By my soul my honest Mat,
I fear she has nine lives.

-- James Boswell, Life of Johnson

One survey found that ten percent of Americans thought Joan of Arc was Noah's wife....

-- Robert Boynton

If ever two were one, then surely we.
If ever man were loved by wife, then thee.

-- Anne Bradstreet

For a male and female to live continuously together is...biologically speaking, an extremely unnatural condition.

-- Robert Briffault

My mother-in-law broke up my marriage. My wife came home from work one day and found me in bed with her.

-- Lenny Bruce

Never tell. Not if you love your wife... In fact, if your old lady walks in on you, deny it. Yeah. Just flat out and she'll believe it: "I'm tellin' ya. This chick came downstairs with a sign around her neck 'Lay on Top of Me Or I'll Die.' I didn't know what I was gonna do...."

-- Lenny Bruce

Husbands are awkward things to deal with; even keeping them in hot water will not make them tender.

-- Mary Buckley

Your life and my life flow into each other as wave flows into wave, and unless there is peace and joy and freedom for you, there can be no real peace or joy or freedom for me. To see reality--not as we expect it to be but as it is--is to see that unless we live for each other and in and through each other, we do not really live very satisfactorily; that there can really be life only where there really is, in just this sense, love.

-- Frederick Buechner, The Magnificent Defeat

Laugh and the world laughs with you. Snore and you sleep alone.

-- Anthony Burgess

I married the first man I ever kissed. When I tell this to my children they just about throw up.

-- Barbara Bush, first lady, 1989

In matrimony, to hesitate is sometimes to be saved.

-- Samuel Butler

No man should marry until he has studied anatomy and dissected at least one woman.

-- Honore de Balzac

The majority of husbands remind me of an orangutan trying to play the violin.

-- Honore de Balzac